Airport Apathy

"You have been randomly selected for additionally checking," she exclaimed heartily. Wow, either I won something amazing, or lady, you love your job. Considering you're working for Air Canada, I'm going to place all my money on the former.

All my bags are lined up - 2 carry-ons, a purse, 2 jackets. I wait expectantly, awaiting the hell that is repacking after they tear all my worldly possessions apart.

"Witness this for me?" she asks a colleague. Hello? I'm right here. I can witness you going through my bags.

The latex gloves go on, like delving into my bags is akin to open heart surgery. I make no fuss - the only grimy hands allowed to touch my stuff are my own.

She walks past my luggage.

"I need you to spread your legs and open your arms wide" she says, looking me straight in the eye.

I beg your pardon!

I comply. Up the right leg. Down the right leg. Up the left leg. Down the left leg.

Across the stomach. Up the right arm. Down the right arm. Up the left arm. Down the left arm.

Across the back. Through the hair.

On the butt. Wait? Repeat that? On the butt?

She's more fresh than most teenage boys I've encountered. I just lost all my money on my first bet. She loves her job.

"Security at the airport groped me" I texted, anxious to share with anyone who would listen.

"Oh, you liked it" my cell phone chimed.

No comment.

9C is a jerk. I hope the drink cart hits him in the elbow and dislocates his shoulder. He's obviously not from around here. Lucky us.

The ride is bumpy. The man behind me snores. Rain falls in sleets. At least James Blunt keeps me company.

Pearson is bigger than most shopping malls I've been in. I've done my share of shopping, I assure you.

$2 gets deposited into a machine for a cart. If said cart is returned, a reward is given. A $0.25 reward. Can't really figure out how a quarter is a reward when I spent a $1.75 to borrow a hunk of metal on wheels, but I was never very good at math.

The carousel goes around and around endlessly. Had I been 6, and at an amusement park, this might be a good thing. But I'm not 6. And I'm not amused.

How does an airline lose a piece of luggage? On a direct flight...

Kill me now.

They promise to return my luggage when they find it.

"Do you have enough toiletries at home to last you for the next day?"

"No, everything I have is in that bag."

He wasn't really paying attention. I hope, for his sake, his shift is over.

"Ok, have a great evening." Airline personnel apathy will eventually be the death of us all.

At least my movies were in my carry-on.