This Constant Pain

I haven't felt this way in awhile.

I don't miss the feeling, and I wish it would go away.

I feel stressed.

I know a lot of people say that and really don't mean it, and are actually just looking for attention, but I have so much going on flying in six million different directions in my mind that I don't know what to do.

I worry about school: are my projects good enough? Do they meet my teachers standards? Do they meet MY standards? Will I get them all done on time? Why do I have so many?

I worry about money: will I have enough money for Christmas? Will I have enough money for the rest of the year? Will I have enough money for the next three years?

I worry about home: will having my parents divorced be weird? Will one parent feel neglected? Will I still see my sister? Will everyone be happy?

I worry about friends: do my new friends like me, or is a show? Are my old friends mad at me for not being as available as I used to be? Am I a likeable person?

I worry about myself: why am I so fat? Why can't I lose weight? Why do I keep doing stupid things? Why am I suck a screw-up sometimes?

Right now, all these things are overwhelming me. I have that constant feeling that something is very, very wrong, and I don't know how to get rid of it.

I was telling Amy last night about what it was like to see my parent's marriage fall apart. Right now, I can use the same analogy for how I feel about life:

I'm in a car travelling really fast down a straight road, when the brakes fail. At first I think that I'll be fine and eventually I'll slow down if I let off the accelerator and let my worries go. Yet, what I failed to see what the roadblock dead ahead of me, and when I do notice it, it's too late. You know the impact is going to happen sooner or later - you just have to wait for it to happen. So I clench my teeth and close my eyes and wait.

I'm still waiting.

I don't know where or when, but I know that the world I'm in will explode at some point. I wouldn't be surprised it was at Christmas. After all, Christmas is THE most stressful holiday there is.

I guess I just want Christmas to be special. With the divorce and me being away I really want to relax and make sure that everyone feels the love and joy that they're supposed to feel at Christmas. I know it's going to be a huge time of hurt though, and that really upsets me.

Well, to all you travellers on the same road I'm on - good luck! I hope your crash is less painful than you think it will be, and that you make it out alive on the other side.

God bless.