I'm So Hollow, Baby

So I'm gonna pull a Lindsay on this blog (sorry, Lindsay...but you know it's true!) and talk about a song I recently heard that struck me like a load of bricks.

This song has been a part of my MSN name for the past couple days, and I fear that people are getting the wrong impression about what it means (a common problem on MSN.)

Anyway, listen, read along, and I'll explain following this.

Here is the song:

And the lyrics:

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your sould into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

(Chorus)
(x2)

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for awhile.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

(Chorus)
(x2)

And I still hold your hand in mine,
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

(Chorus)
(x2)

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

The thing I love about music is that it is so subjective. What means one thing to one person is entirely different to another person. I mean, in this song, it seems obvious that James Blunt is talking about a lover - a person he has been intimate with and changed his life during the course of their intimacy. However, if it was solely about a lover, why is it currently the most requested funeral song (at British funerals?)

To be honest, I can't figure out what I think of James Blunt. On one hand, his voice is kinda whiny and he can grind on your nerves after while. Yet at the same time there is something very compelling about his sound, as well as the words he shares through music. In any case, I heard this song on the way back from an RA field trip to the Drysdale Tree Farm yesterday, and it really stuck with me for the entirety of yesterday, and most of today.

To me, this is about the friends that have made an impact on my life. No, I'm not saying goodbye to them per se, but having moved and uprooted myself my whole life, I know what it is to say goodbye, and to promise to keep in touch and then fail on that promise.

The song starts moving me right from the first verse. Those who know me the best know that one of my greatest fears is not living up to what others expect of me. My whole life I have had an intense fear of failing - of letting the ones I love down or not succeeding when it comes to my dreams and passions. I even fear failing stupid things. When I failed my driving test (the written part), I bawled my eyes out right in the DMV because I was so ashamed at not being perfect.

Fast forward to the third verse. I have been blessed with many people in my life who have changed me in some way or another. The 10 for example: You guys have helped me grow into the person I am today, and you continue to amaze me with your constant support and genuine care even though I am a couple thousand kilometres away from you and all we can typically manage is a quick MSN conversation. You listen when you need to listen, and share when you need to share, which for me is definitely the mark of a true friend. At the same time, however, even though I am still close with a majority of the 10, this verse makes me think back to the people I've "lost." Everyone has someone like that in their life. They are the person you forget to call one birthday, and then you don't respond to their most recent e-mail (or they don't respond to yours), and then you stop chatting on MSN, and the phone calls become few and far between......relationships are hard and take a lot of work. I think that's part of what James Blunt is trying to say.

I especially love the part that says "and as you move on, remember me/remember us and all we used to be." Even though the word goodbye is so finalizing, to me this line doesn't refer to saying goodbye to a person, but rather a time in your life. I have said goodbye to the "Middle-School Kyla" and recently to the "High-School Kyla" and I've started embracing "Adult Kyla" and "Dreamer Kyla" and "Career-Oriented Kyla." But at the same time, even though I've said goodbye to those past beings, I still remember who they are, and I cherish how they played their part in leading me to where I am today...I cherish the people who played a role in the story of my life, and have been a part of my awesome journey. To me, this line reminds me to remember those chapters that we've closed the book on, and that even though we continue to mature and grow and you may not be able to edit the story, the chapters can be re-read and re-enjoyed.

Perfect example of this. The other day, Lindsay (I'm talking about you again, Cookie) introduced me to Facebook. At first I thought the idea was dumb. I mean, I already have a MySpace (which I really never look at anymore) so I figured I didn't need to go on Facebook. On a whim, however, I signed up.

In the last two days, I have reconnected with people I haven't talked to in over 6 years. It's crazy, but all these memories of my early teenage years have come flooding back with the click of a mouse. The memories are overwhelming sometimes, but it's so catharic to remember.

Last, in my breakdown of this song, is the verse that ends with "I cannot live without you." A truer line has never been spoken. I currently cannot live without the 10. Even the ones I haven't chatted to in awhile, and will maybe only engage in small talk on an occasional basis, I cannot live without. These people have been such a vital part in defining who I am, that even just saying "hello" and "how are you" and "I am fine" has so much more meaning that I ever thought possible.

So to those of you who have changed me, embraced me, loved me, cried with me, and "have been the one for me," I thank you. I apologize for the sappy post, but I wanted to thank everyone for being there, for being loyal to me, and most importantly, for accepting me for who I am. With friendship like this, I don't think we can truly ever say goodbye...

P.S. On a separate note, Happy Birthday to my blog, who turned 2 yesterday! Time has a way of going by unnoticed, doesn't it?