Laceration Lundi (AKA The Near Death Of Lumpy)

It all started back in April. Do you remember all my blogs about going to physio for my left hand (which, if you recall at one point I had wrapped up) and how much pain I was in despite paying abnormal amounts of money for treatment. You might also remember me talking about how impersonal doctors seem to be out here, and how I hated physio because I paid money to be ignored for an hour? Physio has met it's match.

Oh...I suppose you want the story, don't you? Well, ok...here it is, in the form of a script. As a back story, before you read, just know that physio turned out to be a waste because it turned out that I had a cyst on my hand and NOT some muscular problem like the physio people thought. I named this cyst (a ganlion) Lumpy, and while it caused me pain, I grew attached to it, similar to the way it grew attached to me. Please note that this is based on a true story about real life events that happened to yours truly just this Monday.

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FADE IN

INT: WAITING ROOM - DAY

KYLA, 19, enters a large waiting room full of people. She looks around for a desk to check in, and sees nothing but VOLUNTEERS sitting around and seemingly doing nothing. Finally, someone notices her, and checks her in and tells her to take a seat.

After sitting for awhile, Kyla is called to the desk and has to give all her information to a RECEPTIONIST who doesn't seem to know what to do about the fact she studies in Ontario but is from New Brunswick. Eventually the receptionist gets it right, and tells Kyla to take a seat.

After waiting and reading the boring office magazines, Kyla realizes that so far they are 45 minutes late for her appointment. Apparently the doctor decided to not come in when the appointments were scheduled to start. Just as she is about to get frustrated, she hears her name, brutally mangled, over the INTERCOM.

INTERCOM
Kyla Spr...inghale to room #4 please.

Kyla gets up and goes to Room #4 where she sits on the hospital type bed and waits patiently. The bed is different than a normal doctors office - it is covered in soft white sheets and has a nice pillow. Sleepy, Kyla is tempted to lie down, but doesn't. Unfortunately while she is contemplating whether or not to catch 30 seconds of shut eye, she catches glimpse of an old lady they parked in the hallway. The old lady's leg is grotesque - yellow with iodine, large purple scars from stitches down one side, and skin peeling off all over the place. Supressing the urge to throw up breakfast, Kyla looks the other way.

YOUNG PEOPLE in scrubs are wandering around and looking quite professional. A few drift in and out of Kyla's room to grab supplies and forms.

Suddenly, a YOUNG WOMAN bustles quickly into the room wearing a white sequined top, black dress pants, and high heels. She hardly looks like a DOCTOR.

DOCTOR

New Brunswick, eh? What are you doing out here?

KYLA
School.

DOCTOR
(glances at the cyst on Kyla's hand)
Well, the best I can do is cut it out.

KYLA
Oh...well...

DOCTOR
But why don't we try to drain it first?

The doctor bustles out and Kyla is left sitting in the room flabbergasted.

The doctor re-enters with ominous looking objects in her hands. She grabs Kylas hand and tries to move it the the best angle for drainage.

DOCTOR
Ok, this is freezing.

The doctor jabs Kyla's already tender hand with a large and very painful needle. After waiting about 5 seconds, the doctor picks up the other ominous looking contraption.

DOCTOR
You might want to look away for this part.

Kyla experiences the most unusual tension on her hand, followed by extreme pain. When she looks down, her hand is oozing dark red blood all over the lovely white sheets.

DOCTOR
Well, it appears it was right on top of a vein. You see, normally they don't bleed that much.

Kyla looks at her incredulously.

DOCTOR
Want to see what was in it?

The doctor proceeds to squeeze whatever came out of Kyla's hand onto a gauze strip that she has placed on the bed. The stuff looks like red toothpaste. Kyla is grossed out.

DOCTOR
(looks at Kyla's hand)
We should probably let you wash that off.

The doctor leads Kyla to a sink and instructs her to put her hand underneath. The doctor then hands Kyla gauze and tells her to go sit back down and put pressure on it for about 5 minutes. Kyla thinks she is dying.

After some waiting (and a lot of pain) a young, scrub-clad ORDERLY walks into the room.

ORDERLY
The doctor isn't going to see you again, but if there is a problem, you can call. Here's a bandaid.

Kyla walks out the room, hand bruised and bleeding, incredulous at how lame the service was, and the lack of care that anyone actually had for her. She realizes it is only a hand, but still!

As Kyla is walking home, she starts to feel the numbing effects of the freezing. Apparently it doesn't work after only 5 seconds.

Kyla also venture a look under the bandaid. To her horror, the cyst isn't even totally gone. It is smaller, yes, but it is still quite present. Kyla decides she can't take any more crap the day has for her and goes home for a nap.

FADE TO BLACK

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Seriously...what does it take to be treated like a human being for once, and not a number? All I'm gonna say is that it's a good thing that it was me with the cyst and not my sister or something...my sister would have beaten the crap out of the nurse for doing that to her (after she woke up from fainting at the sight of the needle.)

Anyway, I'm gonna see how my hand does, and I might go back in the new year for Laceration Lundi II: The Stitch Witch.